Warning: Do not read if you dislike feeling depressed:/

This summer will have been my fifth year living and working in Columbus, and as I experience a turnover nearly every single year, I've been pondering more and more in recent weeks that I need to change some things.  I don't think any violin teacher or artist out there ever thinks they are doing the wrong thing or teaching their students incorrectly--don't we all tend to like the way we think and/or do things?!  But, even though I come to expect turnovers in students as a regular and normal thing, this year has just been so...weird.  I thought that I had matured enough and was experienced enough to get over those humps and not take it so personally when students left or quit as I did when I first started teaching, but I really have to admit--I've been shaken by particular students leaving, and with specific experiences w/ some parents.  Feelings of doubt--even incompetence--have washed over me, and that quickly turns into anger and defensive reactions when I can't put my finger on why I let myself feel that way when I look back on what I try to instill in my students.  I've been well-trained and have been playing the violin since my earliest memory; I know I still have a lot to learn--don't we all--so I'm not even going to act like a know-it-all--but after deep thought, I know it's not a question of competence.
So what is it?

I keep pushing away the nagging thought that my time as a teacher is up.  That looks so ridiculous as I type it out, because I'm not even 30 yet.  But I feel like I'm burned out.

Or maybe this week was just terrible.  I swear, I felt like every single student I had today--in a row--breathed sighs of boredom, even looked agitated (when I got the metronome out or asked repetitions of specific exercises) and from the parents who sat in (not all of them do), haggard looks of frustration and helplessness.  I always welcome questions or concerns from parents, so in case they don't quite understand something I've gone over in a lesson, they have another opportunity to clarify the issue.  But when I open that door, they quickly shut it saying that "it's not you or what you're doing...he/she just doesn't like to practice and I'm at a loss on how to motivate them".  Yet, despite that, I still find myself wondering if the parent is overwhelmed with what I expect from their child.

I was talking about this with my mom, and she was baffled as she remembers having a hard time getting me to "have fun" practicing, but never once thought that was an excuse to let me quit or point the finger at my teacher(s).  My violin life growing up was very laid back--as I improved, the violin made its way to the forefront of my life and even when I got frustrated every so often, my first instinct was to blame myself, not my teacher.

Maybe next week will be better.  But this whole summer has made me think that it's just not good to always do things the same way.  There are always aspects of the way I teach that I think I'll keep (emphasizing good bow holds, good posture and clean intonation) but I really need to be more creative now, more than ever.  I know it seems like I'm whining like this is bad news, but I can acknowledge how it's kind of a blessing that I lost so many students and took a blow to my inner violinist diva's ego this year, because it's really igniting a spark to be better, to improve, to work harder.  My earnings as a private music instructor may not necessarily warrant how much harder I need to work in order to change things around, but I think all us musicians knew that it would be tough going into this, right?  I honestly just can't sleep at night (which is why I'm up writing this!) unless I resolve things and know that I'm doing the right thing.

So one of my ideas was possibly starting another blog/website specifically for my studio (please don't ask me exactly how I'm going to go about doing this...this is JUST an idea!) where my students and their parents can possibly have some interaction with it as well--like posting accomplishments, upcoming performances, checking in with practice schedules, and general topics of interest.
Since I don't offer a group lesson option and only occasionally get students together for more performance oriented get-togethers, I get this vibe that parents feel detached--and hence, helpless--with not knowing how to help their child practice at home, or maybe simply feel bored or stagnant with the same old routine week after week after week.  Yeah, I do, too.

I obviously want to be an effective teacher and help my students, but honestly, sometimes I feel like I need their help, too.

And maybe I just answered my own question.  Why do I feel burnt out?  I feel like I give, and get nothing back.  And on top of getting nothing back, I get blamed or get ditched.  Am I a bad person or teacher for having these feelings?  I feel guilty, that's for sure.  And oh, have I mentioned I feel burnt out, too?

Earlier this summer, my parents and I visited old family friends--a retired couple whose daughter used to be my best childhood friend--and during a breakfast outing, I sat next to the dad and we talked about careers.  His opinion was that one should never do the same job for more than two years because it will inevitably get stale and the quality of your work will suffer.  He pointed out that it wasn't the fault of the person, but simply the nature of routine.  I thought that was interesting, and since he was pretty successful with his work life, I respected his advice.  However, he was talking about this in context with a discussion around my husband's occupation, not my own.  But this evening, I was thinking about that piece of advice and wondered if it applied to me.  I truly cannot imagine doing anything that doesn't involve the violin; we all know that I'd rather perform than teach, but that's not always an option for us violinists.  But truth be told, when I get a difficult child or parent, I find myself wishing I could just practice during their lesson slot.  And as soon as I have that thought, I ask myself, "Why are you doing this?! This teaching thing--you might as well be in a cubicle staring at a screen or on the phone dealing with customers!"  Awful, I know.

Why am I divulging in such vulnerable thoughts for you to see?  I guess I just want to know....how do you crawl out of momentary lapses of disillusionment or self-doubt and get them resolved?  Is this fixable, or do I need to take the figurative Prozac, close my eyes, take a deep breath, open them and put on a smile (a fake one, probably)...and do it all over again for the next school year until something better or interesting happens in my life?


What CAN I do?  Does anyone else struggle with this weird, I'm-in-no-man's-land problem?

I think I just need some sleep at this point.  I didn't mean to get in this deep, but it was needed:P

Ugh.  It's Friday already?  Thank God.