Fall update
Wow. This thing is in need of an update:(
My last post didn't end on a great note and really hinted at not-so-great things to come. As of today, my mom is still with us, but has gotten significantly worse (as if I could have imagined that was possible this past spring when things already seemed bad!).
If I could have only known that her state of being was preferable to how she is now, maybe I would have appreciated our time even more. In April, she was still walking, albeit, with a lot of trouble, but walking, nonetheless. She was still able to go to the restroom by herself. Go up and down stairs very carefully. Feed herself.
Today, she can do none of those things on her own. She is bedridden, wheelchair ridden; my dad has all this hospital grade equipment filling their home to assist in transferring her from bed to wheelchair to go to the bathroom, shower or to the kitchen to eat meals. She sleeps probably 20 hours a day. I remember my last conversation with her where she could respond back, and that was on Mother's Day. She is only 71 (72 in November) but looks 15, 20 years older, as she can hardly hold her head up sitting in the wheelchair. It reminds me of the elderly in nursing homes. When we visit, I barely see her because she is usually sleeping. When she is awake, she stares into space and all we can do is just sit with her and act normal. I hate it so much! I know this is no one's fault, but the helpless feeling never goes away. The constant need to "fix" this. There is still SO much life left to enjoy! I mourn how much she has already missed with my baby boy growing up. My heart aches whenever I look at him and kiss him endlessly, knowing my mom would have gone NUTS over her grandson. She loved baby boys, especially.
And the fact that, even though she was healthy and normal when Maddie was born, she didn't get to enjoy the period when Maddie began to talk and really blossom which breaks my heart. My little girl is READING, really reading, now! And I've unfortunately felt the need to stop telling people that, because I've gotten so much negative reaction and feedback (who knew that a 4 year old being able to read fluently would upset so many people!). My mom is the only person who would have truly been proud and happy that her grand daughter is able to read and is thriving and happy. She was always so supportive of me. She was my person. And I feel so, so alone now. I know I am not, but it still feels that way.
This summer was...interesting. To say the least. But a quick update on my babes: My big girl turned FOUR this July! And on the day of her party, my little baby boy turned ONE (their birthdays are two days apart)!
Maddie's reading skills really took off around 3.5 years of age. (This is another blog post for another time; I've gotten so much negative feedback--mostly from other parents--on the fact that my girl can read. It's a little crazy) We decided to wait until next year to send her to school when she'll start kindergarten. Even then, she'll be going half a day in our school district.
Baby boy is SO big. He's ALMOST walking, but isn't quite as eager as his big sister was. Now he is 15 months old and cruising furniture, standing alone and loves to mimic all our behavior. I love him so much, I can hardly stand it.
Other events this past summer:
-Ryan fell off a ladder in July and broke bones in both hands:( He was off work for a month and a half. It was rough for the first couple of weeks, taking care of THREE kids, lol.
- Sadly, we had to put our first fur baby, Zoe the Yorkie, to sleep last month. She had rapidly declined weeks before and we suspect she might have had a brain tumor. She lost a lot of weight, had no interest in eating or drinking, could barely walk, very disoriented. She seemed to be in a lot of pain. We couldn't bear it anymore. We felt awful afterwards, but really couldn't think of another alternative. We buried her in our front yard. We miss her.
So, life is still busy. Kids are keeping me on my toes, as usual. Most days I'm just attempting to do my best as a mom, wife, person. I try not to think about my mom too much. I know there is still much to be grateful for and that it's better to be productive than to mope around the house feeling sorry for myself.
We do enjoy living out here in Granville and it's been a great experience. Still a lot of work to be done on the house (decor-wise) but it's coming together slowly and that also keeps me distracted. Mostly, I'm focused on enjoying motherhood as I realize how quickly it's all passing by. I have goals of making elaborate scrapbooks and photo books that haven't materialized yet:/ This causes me a lot of grief, weirdly enough!
I will try to update more, and I'd love to do more mundane updates rather than posting long summaries once or twice a year, struggling to remember every.little.thing that happened in the previous months! Yeah...kind of impossible!
But life goes on regardless of whether I remember to write the memories down or not. I just want to make the best of it and have no regrets. If my mom's experience has taught me anything, it's that each day is to never be taken for granted, truly.
My last post didn't end on a great note and really hinted at not-so-great things to come. As of today, my mom is still with us, but has gotten significantly worse (as if I could have imagined that was possible this past spring when things already seemed bad!).
If I could have only known that her state of being was preferable to how she is now, maybe I would have appreciated our time even more. In April, she was still walking, albeit, with a lot of trouble, but walking, nonetheless. She was still able to go to the restroom by herself. Go up and down stairs very carefully. Feed herself.
Today, she can do none of those things on her own. She is bedridden, wheelchair ridden; my dad has all this hospital grade equipment filling their home to assist in transferring her from bed to wheelchair to go to the bathroom, shower or to the kitchen to eat meals. She sleeps probably 20 hours a day. I remember my last conversation with her where she could respond back, and that was on Mother's Day. She is only 71 (72 in November) but looks 15, 20 years older, as she can hardly hold her head up sitting in the wheelchair. It reminds me of the elderly in nursing homes. When we visit, I barely see her because she is usually sleeping. When she is awake, she stares into space and all we can do is just sit with her and act normal. I hate it so much! I know this is no one's fault, but the helpless feeling never goes away. The constant need to "fix" this. There is still SO much life left to enjoy! I mourn how much she has already missed with my baby boy growing up. My heart aches whenever I look at him and kiss him endlessly, knowing my mom would have gone NUTS over her grandson. She loved baby boys, especially.
And the fact that, even though she was healthy and normal when Maddie was born, she didn't get to enjoy the period when Maddie began to talk and really blossom which breaks my heart. My little girl is READING, really reading, now! And I've unfortunately felt the need to stop telling people that, because I've gotten so much negative reaction and feedback (who knew that a 4 year old being able to read fluently would upset so many people!). My mom is the only person who would have truly been proud and happy that her grand daughter is able to read and is thriving and happy. She was always so supportive of me. She was my person. And I feel so, so alone now. I know I am not, but it still feels that way.
This summer was...interesting. To say the least. But a quick update on my babes: My big girl turned FOUR this July! And on the day of her party, my little baby boy turned ONE (their birthdays are two days apart)!
Maddie's reading skills really took off around 3.5 years of age. (This is another blog post for another time; I've gotten so much negative feedback--mostly from other parents--on the fact that my girl can read. It's a little crazy) We decided to wait until next year to send her to school when she'll start kindergarten. Even then, she'll be going half a day in our school district.
Baby boy is SO big. He's ALMOST walking, but isn't quite as eager as his big sister was. Now he is 15 months old and cruising furniture, standing alone and loves to mimic all our behavior. I love him so much, I can hardly stand it.
Other events this past summer:
-Ryan fell off a ladder in July and broke bones in both hands:( He was off work for a month and a half. It was rough for the first couple of weeks, taking care of THREE kids, lol.
- Sadly, we had to put our first fur baby, Zoe the Yorkie, to sleep last month. She had rapidly declined weeks before and we suspect she might have had a brain tumor. She lost a lot of weight, had no interest in eating or drinking, could barely walk, very disoriented. She seemed to be in a lot of pain. We couldn't bear it anymore. We felt awful afterwards, but really couldn't think of another alternative. We buried her in our front yard. We miss her.
So, life is still busy. Kids are keeping me on my toes, as usual. Most days I'm just attempting to do my best as a mom, wife, person. I try not to think about my mom too much. I know there is still much to be grateful for and that it's better to be productive than to mope around the house feeling sorry for myself.
We do enjoy living out here in Granville and it's been a great experience. Still a lot of work to be done on the house (decor-wise) but it's coming together slowly and that also keeps me distracted. Mostly, I'm focused on enjoying motherhood as I realize how quickly it's all passing by. I have goals of making elaborate scrapbooks and photo books that haven't materialized yet:/ This causes me a lot of grief, weirdly enough!
I will try to update more, and I'd love to do more mundane updates rather than posting long summaries once or twice a year, struggling to remember every.little.thing that happened in the previous months! Yeah...kind of impossible!
But life goes on regardless of whether I remember to write the memories down or not. I just want to make the best of it and have no regrets. If my mom's experience has taught me anything, it's that each day is to never be taken for granted, truly.
Comments