No longer a violinist, apparently.
I am a completely unorganized blogger. It would be so much easier if I just set aside a consistent time and day to write, no matter what, but no...I sit down maybe once a month and then struggle--not for lack of things to say--but with what to say first. What was it again I thought would be valuable to put down into words the other day when I was doing the dishes? I have no clue.
It's March already, huh. So the last big thing that happened was my grandmother's funeral, I suppose. Oh, let's back up. A few days prior to my grandma passing away, I got violently ill and for a good 3 weeks I was convinced I was pregnant. But two negative pee sticks later and a visitation from Ms Flo got rid of that notion. I was a little excited, too :( So it must have been food poisoning. So very thankfully, I recovered just in time for our road trip to CT for the burial. Maddie was amazingly good on the 8-9 hour car ride. And we only stopped twice for less than 30 minutes. She's a trooper.
It was a short weekend of seeing family we hadn't seen in awhile; we don't see eye to eye on probably most things, especially politics, but this was a time to get together and be there for one another and it was very nice. Family trumps politics (no pun intended). At least, I believe it should be that way. Others seem to be fine with letting it ruin friendships and family. Whatever suits you, I guess. Actually, why can't we just leave each other alone? That's ideal. Enough of that. I hate politics and I hate what it does to people who, otherwise, would be perfectly pleasant and normal. Moving on...
Same stuff going on with Maddie, although it does seem like week to week she gets "smarter" which I imagine is normal as they develop a lot at this age. The other night she woke up at 2 am, which isn't the norm. She usually sleeps through the night. She was inconsolable unless I stayed with her. So I spent an hour and a half soothing her to sleep. Finally I just had to let her cry a little before she fell asleep on her own. I had to get my rest!
And this past weekend I played what I believe will be my last concert for a long time. I've decided that I should probably semi "retire" from playing gigs. It just isn't fun for me anymore. There are bits and moments during a concert where I think, "yes! this is me, I'm in my element!" and then other times, maybe when we are playing something I don't particularly like, or maybe I just suck because I'm a mom now and don't have time to practice or maintain my skills, where I'm day dreaming about being at home with Maddie.
When I was younger, I was like most other musicians you'd meet--high hopes and expectations for their musical career. But like all young people, I was naive. Naive as to how much work it actually took to get to where I THOUGHT i wanted to be; naive as to how competitive the music world and musicians can be. But most of all, naive to think that it would make me happy. I'm almost 35 now and even though I still have much to learn, I've learned that careers, titles, money, status and what other people think of you does not equate happiness or fulfillment. I'm actually convinced that nothing in this world actually completely does that. Having a kid comes close, but I was surprised to find out that it still doesn't fill the gap. I would then say that being a Christian is the answer, but then I'd have to confess that I am a pretty pessimistic person (if you haven't figured that out already) and that I have to settle for the fact that the struggle between what I know and believe in my head versus how I actually feel from day to day will be the case until my last breath.
This is starting to get too deep, and I didn't want to go there. But my point was, I guess, that my views on what it meant to be a successful musician (or violinist, in my case) have changed. Music is a part of my life, but it doesn't define me anymore. I've realized that I don't have just one dimension. And we are all like that. That is one hell of a beautiful thing about this life, don't you think? All the things in this world that we can pursue, admire, enjoy and learn about. So I am done relegating myself to one definition. I used to play violin, I used to teach (actually still do, but not in the same capacity); someday I might go back to it seriously. But maybe not. Now I'm a mom, and instead of day dreaming about what MY future looks like, I look at my daughter's face and wonder what her future will look like. Things have really changed in the span of a few years.
I do love my life. It is not perfect, I am not perfect. Let's not focus on "perfect" anymore. The imperfections are what is perfect.
There are a lot of other mundane, inventory, day-to-day stuff I wanted to write about, but I'll do that another time. I think I needed to get this out. And I feel better now :) Thanks for listening.
It's March already, huh. So the last big thing that happened was my grandmother's funeral, I suppose. Oh, let's back up. A few days prior to my grandma passing away, I got violently ill and for a good 3 weeks I was convinced I was pregnant. But two negative pee sticks later and a visitation from Ms Flo got rid of that notion. I was a little excited, too :( So it must have been food poisoning. So very thankfully, I recovered just in time for our road trip to CT for the burial. Maddie was amazingly good on the 8-9 hour car ride. And we only stopped twice for less than 30 minutes. She's a trooper.
It was a short weekend of seeing family we hadn't seen in awhile; we don't see eye to eye on probably most things, especially politics, but this was a time to get together and be there for one another and it was very nice. Family trumps politics (no pun intended). At least, I believe it should be that way. Others seem to be fine with letting it ruin friendships and family. Whatever suits you, I guess. Actually, why can't we just leave each other alone? That's ideal. Enough of that. I hate politics and I hate what it does to people who, otherwise, would be perfectly pleasant and normal. Moving on...
Same stuff going on with Maddie, although it does seem like week to week she gets "smarter" which I imagine is normal as they develop a lot at this age. The other night she woke up at 2 am, which isn't the norm. She usually sleeps through the night. She was inconsolable unless I stayed with her. So I spent an hour and a half soothing her to sleep. Finally I just had to let her cry a little before she fell asleep on her own. I had to get my rest!
And this past weekend I played what I believe will be my last concert for a long time. I've decided that I should probably semi "retire" from playing gigs. It just isn't fun for me anymore. There are bits and moments during a concert where I think, "yes! this is me, I'm in my element!" and then other times, maybe when we are playing something I don't particularly like, or maybe I just suck because I'm a mom now and don't have time to practice or maintain my skills, where I'm day dreaming about being at home with Maddie.
When I was younger, I was like most other musicians you'd meet--high hopes and expectations for their musical career. But like all young people, I was naive. Naive as to how much work it actually took to get to where I THOUGHT i wanted to be; naive as to how competitive the music world and musicians can be. But most of all, naive to think that it would make me happy. I'm almost 35 now and even though I still have much to learn, I've learned that careers, titles, money, status and what other people think of you does not equate happiness or fulfillment. I'm actually convinced that nothing in this world actually completely does that. Having a kid comes close, but I was surprised to find out that it still doesn't fill the gap. I would then say that being a Christian is the answer, but then I'd have to confess that I am a pretty pessimistic person (if you haven't figured that out already) and that I have to settle for the fact that the struggle between what I know and believe in my head versus how I actually feel from day to day will be the case until my last breath.
This is starting to get too deep, and I didn't want to go there. But my point was, I guess, that my views on what it meant to be a successful musician (or violinist, in my case) have changed. Music is a part of my life, but it doesn't define me anymore. I've realized that I don't have just one dimension. And we are all like that. That is one hell of a beautiful thing about this life, don't you think? All the things in this world that we can pursue, admire, enjoy and learn about. So I am done relegating myself to one definition. I used to play violin, I used to teach (actually still do, but not in the same capacity); someday I might go back to it seriously. But maybe not. Now I'm a mom, and instead of day dreaming about what MY future looks like, I look at my daughter's face and wonder what her future will look like. Things have really changed in the span of a few years.
I do love my life. It is not perfect, I am not perfect. Let's not focus on "perfect" anymore. The imperfections are what is perfect.
There are a lot of other mundane, inventory, day-to-day stuff I wanted to write about, but I'll do that another time. I think I needed to get this out. And I feel better now :) Thanks for listening.
Comments