Let's get contemplative, shall we?

By Gaby -
I once mentioned a long time ago that I had made two lists: one outlining all the things I'd do if I were the only human left on earth, or at least, didn't think anyone was watching; and the other, all the things I felt I needed to "accomplish" in order to feel worthy in modern day society, or to impress people I know--whether they're close or not.
Those lists couldn't have been more different from one another.  It was really kind of an eye-opener.  On the first list, I pretty much had all domestic activities imaginable on there--the slower and more simple things in life, I guess.  On the second list, I had things such as, "Getting a masters degree, winning a professional orchestra job and moving anywhere in order to get it" plus other things.
When I stood back and looked at both lists, I thought, "Why can't I live my life like the first list right now?"  I think I've wasted so much precious time worrying about what others think or how my life looks to others, that I've missed a lot of little joys and life lessons.  If you've read my blog at all, you probably know by now that I've always had this nagging struggle with discipline--or lack of it.  I look at things that I THINK I need to have or do and then get truly upset when I fail to work up to it.  I suppose the change of plans with the marathon is evidence of this, too.  Six or so months ago when it was my birthday, all I was thinking about was what I could 'check' off of some list so I could feel some kind of pride in myself...or brag about it on FB (how silly it looks to even write it out...but let's be honest: hasn't FB come to that for a lot of people? No? Just me? Well, that's a topic for another day, I guess...), and completing a full marathon was just one of those prosaic 'To-Do's'. Deciding to just do the half was my true self coming out.  And while I feel better and less stressed knowing this is more feasible and has more potential for me to enjoy every bit of it, I also know my brain will go to that dark place at some point--maybe before the race or after--and wonder why I "failed", rather than acknowledge that I basically did what I felt was right at the time, and leave it at that.

Does anyone else feel this way?  Maybe there are some decisions you've made based more on what you felt you HAD to do rather than what you WANTED to do.  And obviously, yes, I realize that most of us have to do some things we don't necessarily like or enjoy (like WORK) in order to live, lol.  I'm talking more about decisions you perhaps felt pressured into when you totally had another viable option, but maybe the decision you made just sounded and looked better on paper even if you knew you weren't totally going to be happy with it in the long term.

Almost 30 years old...but still trying to sift out what's truly important in life.


Comments

Karen Bjork Kubin said…
I figure if I'm still growing, that's a good sign (and I'm almost 40.) But along a similar line to what you're talking about, it's taken me a long time to realize that it's a lot more important for me to be myself than it is to be some version of what I think I should be. It's way more fun to be myself than the idealized version, but somehow scarier, too. So I say burn the second list and stick with what you'd do if you were the last person on earth!
April 25, 2012 at 10:51 PM
Hannah said…
I completely relate to this post, on so many levels...it's so hard to live in a way that makes you happy without simply worrying about what people think or what people think you should be doing with your life (or perhaps what your fellow college alumni think you should be doing, or what you think they think you should be doing...). Ugh.

And don't say "just the half." It's still a really long way, and a proud accomplishment!
April 26, 2012 at 5:11 PM
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