Can't Sleep
I wasn't planning on writing any posts this weekend, as I am at my parents' house for the Labor Day holiday, but I was woken up by my dogs panting for water at 3am this morning and couldn't fall asleep after that. It is now 6am and I'm completely wide awake with a grumbling stomach.
I think I couldn't fall asleep for two reasons: 1) My old bedroom is the most isolated room in the house and is super hot and stuffy in the summer, and freezing cold during winter. As a result, my hubby had to have the AC unit turned way up, and it caused my sinuses to flare up. 2) I can't stop thinking about my 94 year old grandmother who is currently out of the hospital and at home with us, but probably most likely, has ovarian cancer. For the first time since I found out she became ill, I cried as I lay in my stuffy bed, realizing how very real it was that someone I love and have known my whole life could leave us very soon. Yes, she is old--but she's always been in excellent health and this is the first time she's ever been hit with something this serious.
I also feel for my dad who is probably closest to his mom since she has lived with my parents for the past 4 or 5 years and lived right around the corner before that. The rest of her family live on the east coast and don't see her as often. Since my dad just retired recently, this has been so stressful for him and I can already tell that it's going to be a difficult journey from here on, regardless of how my grandma's health turns out. Either way, there will be a lot of worrying and stress involved. I wish I could take that burden away.
And of course, thinking about all of this led to me contemplating the time when I will have to confront the inevitablity of my parents leaving me, too. I don't even want to think about it right now.
My body definitely feels tired right now, but these thoughts--and just being in my parents' home--are keeping me up. I'd run these troublesome thoughts out with a good, long run...but it's still dark outside. Not going to run in the dark, alone.
So, what am I going to do? I think I'll make myself some scrambled eggs and coffee, enjoy looking at old photo albums of my grandmother, and wait for the sun--and everyone else--to rise, and not be alone anymore with these thoughts of mine.
I think I couldn't fall asleep for two reasons: 1) My old bedroom is the most isolated room in the house and is super hot and stuffy in the summer, and freezing cold during winter. As a result, my hubby had to have the AC unit turned way up, and it caused my sinuses to flare up. 2) I can't stop thinking about my 94 year old grandmother who is currently out of the hospital and at home with us, but probably most likely, has ovarian cancer. For the first time since I found out she became ill, I cried as I lay in my stuffy bed, realizing how very real it was that someone I love and have known my whole life could leave us very soon. Yes, she is old--but she's always been in excellent health and this is the first time she's ever been hit with something this serious.
I also feel for my dad who is probably closest to his mom since she has lived with my parents for the past 4 or 5 years and lived right around the corner before that. The rest of her family live on the east coast and don't see her as often. Since my dad just retired recently, this has been so stressful for him and I can already tell that it's going to be a difficult journey from here on, regardless of how my grandma's health turns out. Either way, there will be a lot of worrying and stress involved. I wish I could take that burden away.
And of course, thinking about all of this led to me contemplating the time when I will have to confront the inevitablity of my parents leaving me, too. I don't even want to think about it right now.
My body definitely feels tired right now, but these thoughts--and just being in my parents' home--are keeping me up. I'd run these troublesome thoughts out with a good, long run...but it's still dark outside. Not going to run in the dark, alone.
So, what am I going to do? I think I'll make myself some scrambled eggs and coffee, enjoy looking at old photo albums of my grandmother, and wait for the sun--and everyone else--to rise, and not be alone anymore with these thoughts of mine.
Comments